The project begins

It’s common for people to talk about different chapters of their lives. Personally, I’ve always thought of my life more as a set of short stories. The sections of my life that most people would call chapters – high school, undergrad, the year I spent at my first job, graduate school – have always felt disconnected from each other. The ways I spent my time, the people I hung out with, the things I was trying to accomplish were all so different. This is true of many people, I suppose, but my beginnings and endings have always felt particularly sharp and well defined.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that this isn’t just a result of my circumstances. It’s a choice that I make. Not a conscious choice, maybe, but a choice nonetheless. I’ve always been eager to experience new things, and the only way to do that is to let go of some of the old. In that sense, clean transitions are a positive thing. But letting go isn’t easy, especially for a sentimentalist like me. Consequently, I’ll often start dreading an ending far, far before it comes. During my senior year of high school, I spent my whole last semester in a state of mortal terror at the thought of graduating and moving on. At the end of my years as an undergraduate, I cried nearly every day as I thought about moving away from my friends. “We’ll still be in touch, Katie,” one of those friends said to me one day. “Lots of things will be different, but some things won’t change.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I have always cut myself off from my past.”

And that’s true. I have gotten better at letting some familiar threads run through different stages of my life. For example, I’m still in consistent touch with a few of my friends that were regular characters in my life’s short stories that took place a decade ago.  But I still find a kind of satisfaction in ending one story and starting a new one. It’s how I measure progress.

My current story is a relatively tame one. I’m living in an apartment that’s not falling apart but not super nice, either. I’m doing work that I enjoy, but not exactly making the big bucks. I’m having fun with friends and taking care of my cat and steadily paying off my student loans. It’s a comfortable story, and for quite some time, I was happily living it. But one day in the middle of 2014 I realized that I’d been stuck in the same story for over 5 years, and I had absolutely no idea how to end it and start a new one. I was watching friends get married, have kids, land new and better jobs, buy houses, and all sorts of other things that signify moving into new chapters and stories. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than for this particular short story to be over. I wanted this part of my life to fade into my past. I wanted a new beginning. For perhaps the first time ever, I was not at all dreading the ending. I wanted this story to end. But I felt powerless to make it happen.

“I can’t just get married,” I thought. “I have to meet a guy first." And despite my best efforts to do that, I still hadn’t. In the end that’s out of my control. I also couldn’t just have a kid on my own (not responsibly, anyway), and I couldn’t afford to buy a house or a condo. I could look for a different job, I supposed, but I knew I was unlikely to find one better suited to me than the one I already had. It wasn’t a new job that I wanted. I wanted to move forward in my current job. A new job wouldn’t start a new story, and in the end neither would something as drastic as picking up and moving to a new city. I’d just be repeating the same story of young-woman-tried-to-establish-herself. I couldn’t see a way to do any of the things that that felt they’d be a true new beginning – a way to end this endless, boring story that this part of my life had become. 

I needed to be more assertive, or more personable, or smarter, or a quicker thinker, or more interested in the kinds of things most people are interested in. But I couldn’t change who I was. It seemed like I was in a story that would last the rest of my life and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I didn’t want to run any more. I didn't want to read any more. I didn’t want to eat the same foods any more. I didn’t want to do any of the things that had become huge parts of my routine. Mostly I wanted to sit on my couch and stare at the TV (which may or may not have been on). Getting out of bed and going to work got harder and harder until one day I realized I had to do something.

I got help. Maybe one day I will have the courage to write about this part, but for now suffice it to say that I’m grateful to have had family, friends, and doctors who helped me help myself. Over the course of a few months, I gradually dug myself out of the deep pit of depression (yes, I said it, depression) I was in.

Things are not all perfect now. I want to make that clear. I am back to thinking clearly, and to enjoying most of my work, and to laughing, and to seeing joy in day-to-day life.  But I’m still struggling with some of the same issues that made my depression spiral out of control. I still want this story to end and a new one to begin, and I don’t see a clear path to do that. I’m not good at professional networking or meeting new people, and those are the things I need to do to be able to move forward.

Still, one benefit of spending a lot of time alone in the last six months is that I’ve come to understand myself a bit better. I know the things I really enjoy doing and the things that I struggle with the most. I understand now that when I stick to the things I like and am comfortable with, I feel guilty for not trying harder to change my life. When I focus too narrowly on the things that are hard for me, I am generally unhappy and feel like a failure for not making any progress.

So how do I use this new-found understanding to make 2015 a better year than 2014? Early in the year it occurred to me that perhaps a balance between the easy and the difficult might be the answer. I’d be able to spend a lot of my time doing the things I love, but also make sure to push myself to chip away at the work I need to do if I ever want to move on to a new story.

In that spirit, I came up with a project for 2015 that I call 12 Months of Awesome. I chose 10 categories that are spread out over a spectrum with fun things to make me happy at one end and hard things to help me grow at the other. My goal is to do one thing in each of these 10 categories each month of 2015. At the end of the year, I hope to point to 120 small, but significant, accomplishments that make me feel good about the person I am and the story I’m living, whether that is the same story I’m in right now or I’ve managed to start a new one.

It’s a bit ambitious and scary, but I’m committed to really trying.

Without further ado, here are the 12 categories:

Read 12 Books

I used to always be reading something. But as life got more overwhelming, this fell off my priority list, and I hate that. I want to start reading again, so one of my goals is to read a book each month.

Write 12 Blog Posts

I first started writing in an online journal during my time in Sweden, and there have been a few periods in my life since that I’ve written in a blog. I really like to write, but it takes time and effort that I haven’t bothered to put in for a long time. I want to write once a month this year. (I’m counting this essay as January’s post. Kind of meta, hey?)

Try 12 New Recipes

I hate cooking. There are hundreds of other ways I’d rather spend my time. But on the other hand, I’m rather self conscious about the fact that I don’t know how to make anything fancier than pasta or stir fry. So, this year I’m going to attempt one new recipe a month in hopes that as my knowledge and skills build, I gain some sense of appreciation for cooking, and maybe even feel comfortable inviting friends over for dinner some time.

Go to 12 Events Where I Might Meet New People

I’m not very good at making new friends, striking up conversations with strangers, making business contacts, or anything of that sort. Idle conversation is awkward for me. But, the only way I’ll ever get better is if I give myself chances to practice. So, I’m committed to going to twelve events where I have the chance to talk to new people. I’m hoping they will be a variety of things, from professional talks to social mixers.

Take 12 Small Steps Forward in My Career

I love my work. I truly do. But most of the steps forward I have taken, career-wise, have mostly been the result of luck and/or building a reputation for working hard. I didn’t necessarily push forward on my own. I just took opportunities when they were offered to me. That was enough for a long time, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can that way. It’s time to start creating some of my own opportunities. I’m going to do one small thing a month that can help me do that.

Do 12 Things that Real Grown-Ups Do

The title of the category is a bit tongue-in-cheek. But this feeling of being stuck in a boring story is related to the feeling that I have yet to really become an adult. Grown-ups have houses, and families, and lots of other things that I don’t have. I’m still in a just-out-of-college place in many ways. However, I believe I can come up with 12 things that I can do to make me feel like I really am 32 years old and an adult. That’s what this category is about.

Do 12 Things that Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance

I don’t think I’m unattractive. Truly, I don’t. I actually think I’m pretty well put together most of the time. However, I do consider myself a wallflower in most situations. No one seems to notice me. Doing things that make me feel just a little bit more confident and appealing might help me to meet people and assert myself as a valued team member at work.

Attend 12 Fun Events in Chicagoland

As before mentioned, I love experiencing new things. A ton of fun things go on around Chicago that I see advertised and have always wanted to do. Chocolate tours, murder mystery shows, puzzle hunts – all sorts of things. Getting people together to do such things takes work, though, so this year I’m committing to making one of these things happen once a month.

Finish 12 Craft Projects

One thing I’ve learned about myself lately is that I love to create things. I find it so satisfying to make something that wasn’t there before, especially if the thing is useful or pretty (or both!). Yarn crafts, woodworking, mosaics, you name it. I love them all. This year I’m going to make at least one thing a month.

Add 12 Pretty Things to My Apartment

Bright colors make me smile. So I’m treating myself to something new, bright, and pretty to put in my apartment each month, just to keep my spirits up.

So, that’s my 2015 project. I can’t wait to see where it takes me. Look for updates at the end of each month!