December

12 Books

This month I read two books: The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (a pseudonym for J. K. Rowling) and Born With Teeth, a personal memoir by Kate Mulgrew.

The Cuckoo’s Calling is a murder mystery. I chose it because it is the January book for a book club I’m trying to participate in for a while. I had no idea the J. K. Rowling was the author when I first got the book from the library. I’d rate it at about a 7; good enough to finish but not quite good enough to recommend. I thought the mystery and the unveiling of information was reasonably well crafted, but surrounded by a lot of extraneous description that made the book move too slow. I just found out it’s the first in a series. I might give the second book a chance.

Kate Mulgrew played Captain Kathryn Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager, and Captain Janeway was a hero of mine who graced the cover of my math book in high school. I enjoyed the memoir, but wished it focused a little more on her work and a little less on her love affairs.

I’ve enjoyed reading more books this year. I may not continue insisting on at least one a month, but I do hope to continue reading regularly.  

12 Recipes

This month I made mint meringue cookies using a recipe graciously provided by my Aunt Carol. My first attempt was a failure because I tried to make the meringue without an electric mixer. (This is not a good idea, folks. You’ll end up with a sore arm and no meringue.) I tried again using my parents’ mixer and they turned out delicious! Next time I’d make them a little smaller, though.

This was another good category for the year. In general I think I’m more motivated to try making more complicated things. I’ll hope to keep trying something new every couple of weeks.

12 Blog Posts

Click here to read some final reflections on the year.

This category was a tough one for me. It was almost always the last one to be finished each month. I just can’t seem to find my rhythm for blogging, so I’m not sure this one will continue. However, I have a new idea that I’ll mention in a later category….

12 Ways to Meet People

This month I took a woodworking class with Dabble. We were, in theory, supposed to be making cutting boards, but I ended up turning mine into a clock for my sister.

 

The class was small and so I did get to talk to some new people, but like most other efforts, I didn’t meet anyone I expect to see ever again. This category was kind of the heart of the whole effort this year, but I don’t know that the end effect was what I wanted it to be. Did I get out more? Definitely. Did I try new things that I ended up enjoying? Yes. Did it help with the depression? Probably. But it continued to be so difficult and so frustrating. In the end, I’m not really interested in meeting people for an hour or a day. I’m really interested in meeting someone who’s going to stick with me. Online dating was a disaster for me, and this effort at least didn’t make me crazy or miserable, but wasn’t any more successful. I’m left feeing like there’s really nothing I can do.

I wish I had something more positive to say in this one… but I don’t.

12 Small Steps Forward in my Career

This month I began planning for visits to Capitol Hill to speak to legislators about the importance of cyberlearning. This was an entirely optional extension to a conference I’m attending, but I chose to go even though I’m terrified at the idea. I think it will be a great experience and a great resume builder. The visits are on January 27, the day after my birthday.

I’m happy to say that this category felt unnecessary after the first few months. I had to make a few initial efforts at first, but then things started happening of their own accord. I only had to follow through on opportunities that presented themselves. I’m still not sure exactly what the future holds for me, career-wise, but I feel much better than I did a year ago.

12 Fun Events in Chicagoland

This month included Shannon’s and my annual trip to Brookfield ZooLights. I also visited my favorite Christmas-in-Chicago things: Christkindlmarket and the CTA Holiday Train.

 

I had to force myself to do these things throughout the year, not because I don’t enjoy them, but because of the effort it takes to plan them (at least when other people come with me, which is preferable thing). My plan for the future is not to insist on one a month, but rather to just keep a running list of things I want to do and make an effort to pick away at it when I have free weekends.

12 Crafts and Creations

I made a lot of things this month – mostly Christmas gifts. An afghan and slipper socks for my mom; a hat, scarf, and iPad case for my dad; and a mixer cover and the above-mentioned clock for my sister.











 

 

I really enjoy making things. I knew this before the year started, but as a result of showcasing my creations this year, I’ve decided to start a crafting blog! I’ll post pictures of the things I make along with notes about patterns I used and adjustments I made. I think I’m much more likely to keep this up than a blog like this one.

12 Pretty Things for My Apartment

I made an ornament for my tree in honor of the STEM Fatales.

 

 

I think this category has served a good purpose. I have a handful of things I really love in my apartment now, and it allowed me to give myself permission to spend some money on such things. In two years I will have paid off my student loans, and will hopefully then have the means to buy a condo. I really look forward to making it my own.

12 Things that Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance

Many of my possessions, as much as I love them, are a decade or so old and therefore starting to show some wear. Notable among these are my most-worn pairs of earrings. They were never expensive to being with, and now are tarnished and bent, which doesn’t make me feel good about wearing them. So, when I saw a good deal on a set of sterling silver earrings, I ordered them. Seven pairs for something like $30! 

 

 12 Grown-Up Things

Late last month I was dumb enough to hurt myself while exercising. Rather than follow my childish inclinations to ignore it, I went to the doctor. Unfortunately this trip was one of my worst experiences with the healthcare system ever, but I did end up with a walking boot that should help the injury heal faster.

 

At the heart of it, this category was about finding ways to trick myself into feeling like I wasn’t falling behind my peers who are getting married, buying homes and cars, and having children – marks of adulthood that are impossibilities for me for the foreseeable future. I’m not sure it really accomplished this goal, but it was somewhat productive in that it got me to do some boring but necessary chores. I will happily put this category to rest, too. 

Reflections

Well, the Twelve Months of Awesome project has just about come to an end. I figured the best use of this final blog post would be to write an honest reflection on what brought me to the project in the first place and whether or not I consider the project a success.

On New Year’s Day of last year, I was just beginning to claw my way out of the worst bout of depression of my life. Twelve Months of Awesome had a number of purposes: To give me productive things to focus my attention on, to remember why I love to read, create, and experience new things, and to try to address the things that pushed me off the depression cliff. There are a number of factors, of course – brain chemistry being one of them – but when it comes right down to it, I know what caused the depression. As my friends were all getting married, buying homes, getting raises, and having children, I was still in the same place I was almost a decade prior. No particularly clear path forward in my career, no home big enough to have a guest room, and at the top of the list in big bold type: no significant other and no children. For a long time, I was fine with that. Then I wasn’t.

I came up with the ten categories I used in Twelve Months of Awesome in an effort to follow as much of the standard advice I’ve heard about relationships for the past 15 years. Often it sounds so contradictory. Work on being comfortable with yourself, but also work on bettering yourself. Get out and do new things, but also go out and do the things you love. It’ll come when you’re not looking, but you can’t expect anything to happen if you don’t try. I thought if I did multiple things, maybe I could find a way to balance out the contradictions and take some steps forward.

So, did it work? Well, unsurprisingly, it didn’t solve all my problems. I am in a much better place, mental-health-wise, so there’s that. And I did learn a few things.

I am, for the most part, the kind of person I want to be.

So often, self-help advice says that if you are alone, the best thing to do is turn the eyes inward and examine what your personality and habits might have to do with it. Hence, parts of this project were aimed at self-examination and improvement. One positive thing I can say is that I wasn’t unhappy with what I saw. I’m not perfect by any means – I harbor some grudges, and fall into a good number of bouts of self-pity – but overall I believe myself to be a kind, hard-working person who tries to do her best with the cards she’s dealt. And on occasion this year, friends have gifted me with assurances that all that is true. In my heart of hearts, I never really believed that I’ve been alone my whole adult life because of some kind of personality flaw, but now I believe it more solidly. I am quirky, and I have some anti-social tendencies, but no worse average.

I am lonely, albeit in ways that are hard to articulate.

When I think about the fact that I spend a lot of my time alone, and it may be that I do so for the rest of my life, I often ask myself if I have a problem with that. Do I dislike being alone? Would it be so bad to continue being alone? The truth is, I’m not lonely when I’m alone. I don’t mind solitude; often I crave it. The countless evenings I’ve spend on my couch, crafting or writing, cooking for one and eating alone, none of that bothers me.

But just because I’m not lonely when I’m doing day-to-day things by myself doesn’t mean I’m not lonely at all. I’m lonely pretty much whenever I’m not alone, because that’s when two things happen. First, I see others experiencing things I’d like to experience, but feel like I can’t have. I go to a wedding alone, and watch one couple commit to each other and so many others enjoying each others’ company. I hear friends talking about double dates and know that if I asked to come, they’d let me – but I would feel in the way. And I watch couples walking down the street holding hands, and I think to myself that even though I’m ok with being alone most of the time, I have no idea what it’s like to not be – and I may never have the opportunity to find out.

Secondly, and relatedly, I feel like I always, always have to be looking. This is when the “nothing will happen for you if you don’t make it happen” piece of advice always echoes in my head. Don’t just sit there at that wedding, go talk to someone! Don’t stare at your phone on the bus, keep your head up and smile at people! I always have to be trying, and it’s exhausting. And that is what feels so incredibly lonely. Over and over these efforts come to nothing – that’s to be expected, don’t get me wrong – but it reminds me that most other people aren’t looking. And that’s what makes me feel lonely. When I’m alone in my looking, in a sea of people who don’t have to look any more. And that leads me to my next point.

I am resentful of other people’s happiness.

I wish this weren’t true, but it is. Every time another engagement, baby, house purchase, etc. is announced, I fight against rather strong feelings of resentment. I’m angry that other people have found what I haven’t found yet. I’m so tired of looking. When do I get to have the contented feeling knowing I found him? Knowing that the search is over? When do I get to plan the rest of my life? When do I get to contemplate the idea of having children, buying a home, travelling without having to round up friends?

That’s the worst part, really. Even if I could get used to the idea of living my whole life on my own, I feel like the world isn’t built for me. People tend to think the problem with being single is not having anyone to face the hard parts of life with – and that’s part of it—but not having a significant other also tends to bar me from other things. Dual incomes allow for so much more flexibility in managing living expenses; an apartment with a guest bedroom for my mother to sleep in when she visits is beyond my reach. Children are a reasonable thing to consider in 2-parent homes; I can get around the biology – adopt, for example – but even if I felt I could imagine managing raising a child alone from a psychological and logistical perspective, there’s no way I could do it financially.

So as I watch other people post happy announcements about marriages, kids, new washing machines, whatever, I feel very resentful that all these other people get to do these happy things and I don’t get the chance.

I don’t like this. I don’t like how hard it is for me to respond positively to friends’ good news. I am generally an empathetic person. This is one way in which I feel like I’m losing myself.

I’m working on it.

There’s very little about this that I can control.

For years, I’ve been looking for a magic bullet. Is there something I’m doing that turns people away? Is there something I’m not doing that’s key – some unspoken secret that I don’t know I don’t know? What is it? Why am I not only single at 32, but single with no relationship history at all? I never found it. I understood some mistakes I made in the past, but never found a map to a different future.

Twelve Months of Awesome was based on the premise that if I’m going to be alone, I at least want to know I did everything I could to try to change that. I got out and did so many new things this year that were so hard for me. I elbowed my way into meetings, showed up alone to social events, struck up conversations with strangers. And what has changed? Almost nothing. It all came to nothing. I thought I’d be more upset about that, but the truth is I didn’t really believe this project was going to change anything. Improve my depression, yes. Make a significant difference otherwise, no.

Instead, what the project did was clarify the rock and the hard place I find myself between. On one side is the cold, hard fact that it’s unlikely I’ll ever meet someone I might have a future with if I just go about my life without making some efforts. On the other side is the fact that the things I am able to do only increase my chances by a miniscule amount. So all this stuff that is so exhausting does improve my chances a little, but it also serves to remind me that most people my age are past this. So what is the better choice?

There isn’t a better one, I don’t think. So much of this comes down to chance. It’s not that I’m fundamentally flawed. It’s not that there’s a secret I don’t know. I have made mistakes, and I know that, but even the happiest couples I know tell me they were lucky. There is no magic bullet. There is only good timing.

I believe a different future is possible.

So what’s the punch line? That last part seems pretty negative. “Well, my chances are miniscule no matter what I do! Life’s a bitch, huh?”

That’s the truth, but not really an accurate representation of how I feel. 

I don’t know why it hasn’t happened for me, and I really struggle with the unfairness of that. I feel like it’s been my turn for a long while, and while I stand here at the front of the line waiting, everyone keeps lapping me.

And it might just continue along that way. I’d even say it’s probably that it will. But unlikely doesn’t mean impossible.

It doesn’t feel inevitable, or even likely, that my life will change. But it’s possible. It’s possible. That’s the mindset I’m taking with me into 2016.

Happy New Year.

November

12 Books

This month I read The House on the Strand by Daphne du Maurier. This was another entry on the “If you like Outlander, you’ll like this” list. The story was compelling, but the ending was very unsatisfying, so I give it a 6.5.

12 Recipes

This month I made chicken taco filling in the crock pot. It was nothing to write home about, but I did like how easy it was. Again, I give it about a 6.5.

12 Blog Posts

Click here to read some thoughts about public transportation.

12 Ways to Meet People

I tried a new Meetup group this month. This one is for people who like theater. The leaders of the group set up all sorts of group outings to shows all over Chicago. If I get tickets through the group, there is almost always a discount. Plus, I’ll have someone to sit with! My first show with the group was called Hellcab. It’s about a day in the life of a Chicago cab driver. There are about 30 mini-stories all involving different passengers he picks up. It was very good.

The disappointing part is that only one other people showed up from the Meetup. The weather was pretty yucky, so I’m hoping that was the problem.

12 Small Steps Forward in my Career

On November 13, I submitted a grant proposal to NSF on which I am listed as the Principal Investigator, or PI. If the project gets funded, I will get to direct the work! I’m very proud of how it turned out and excited about our chances. I won’t know for a while, though.

12 Fun Events in Chicagoland

The Chicago Cultural Center hosts all sorts of free events, but until now I hadn’t been to any. This month I went to a talk about promoting equity through good design of public buildings and spaces. The venue was nice, but I did not feel that the talk was really about what it was advertised to be about. Still, now I’ve been to the Cultural Center.

12 Crafts and Creations

I made these super cute finger puppets to give to a kid for Christmas! I haven’t decided on the lucky recipient yet, but I hope someone will enjoy them.

  

12 Pretty Things for My Apartment

Green Star Mosaics is community organization that installs mosaics in low-income communities and schools to beautify the spaces and promote community. They run classes to raise money for the project. I took a class and made these pretty tiled coasters.

 

12 Things that Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance

My biggest struggle, appearance-wise, has lately been my weight. My clothes are fitting much tighter lately, and it’s made me self-conscious. So I finally got rid of some of the clothes that were extremely tight and resolved to work seriously at losing a couple inches from my waist and hips. I’m limiting my drinking and eating out, exercising in a more rigorous way, and trying to be more sensible about portions. This isn’t fun, but it’s what I needed most.

12 Grown-Up Things

I spent a boring and tedious few hours cleaning out a ridiculous packed file drawer. Now I actually know what’s in there.

Chicago Transit Annoyance

I am often asked what it is like living in a big city. People who have never lived somewhere as big as Chicago ask me the oddest questions about it. “Have you seen Oprah?” people often asked when I first moved. No, I have not seen Oprah. She doesn’t tend to wander the city, and as far as I know, does not host open visiting hours. “Where are my Cubs tickets?” asked an uncle. I don’t have any. As it turns out, they don’t hand out free Cubs tickets to all Chicago residents. “Do you have doctors and dentists there?” someone asked me once. (Really?) Yes, we have doctors and dentists. “How do you get to appointments?” The same way I get everywhere else, of course.

Public transportation.

Now we’re talking about something that is different about living in a big city. By and large, getting everywhere on foot and on public transportation is the biggest difference between my day-to-day life in Chicago and my former lives in Kalamazoo and Saginaw.  I don’t want to imply that everyone who lives in big cities takes public transportation. I don’t think all be cities have great systems, and even in Chicago where the system is pretty comprehensive, a lot of people avoid it. I, however, do not own a car, so for the most part I take public transportation wherever I’m going.

Like most things, there are benefits and costs. I hate driving in traffic and I especially hate circling for parking, so I like that I don’t have to deal with those things. I like that I’m doing something earth-friendly. I like that I have time to read when I’m on my way to and from work. It’s a nice transition into and out of the workday.

On the other hand, there are many annoyances. Elbowing your way into and out of a crowded bus is never fun. Whenever it rains, you can pretty much guarantee you’ll be waiting for the bus just long enough to get soaked. The amount of time it takes to get most places is astronomical compared to the time it takes to drive. Recently a friend sprung for a cab to a nearby movie theater, and when we stepped into the theater 10 minutes after leaving my apartment, it felt like a miracle.

There are two categories of public transit happenings that drive me the battiest, though. I call them the rude things and the gross things.

The rude things relate to dealing with people who treat public transit as if it were their own private transit. I know using buses and trains can be new and a bit scary at first, so I try to forgive tourists for doing things that I find annoying. But it’s not just tourists. I have found that the worst offenders for doing rude things are the daily commuters.

Dear commuters standing at the bus stop: We all know that there’s a good 25-foot span where the bus door may end up. The people who happen to be standing there are the people who get to get on the bus first. You do not get to edge your way in front of me if I happen to end up closer – especially not if my only reason for pausing is to allow the elderly or disabled person to board. The sooner you get on, the more likely you are to get a seat. We all know that. Shoving your way to the front of the line doesn’t make you clever. It makes you a jerk. Like the rest of us, you’ll just have to play your cards where the bus driver’s braking distance makes them fall.

Dear commuters who are right next to the door and don’t step back when more people want to get on: Step back. Or if you really can’t step back, then pass a message back for the people behind you to step back. It’s a rare case when there is not enough room for two or three more people. There is room. I can see it. Stop acting as if taking two steps back and being two inches closer to the people around you is more of an inconvenience than me having to wait for the next bus. I’m trying to get to work, same as you.

Dear commuter who puts her bag on the seat next to her and then pretends not to notice me as I walk up: No, using this tactic won’t prevent me from asking you to move your bag. I will ask you to move your bag. You are entitled to one seat. Not two. If you don’t like the idea of a stranger sitting next to you, take a cab.

Wait your turn. Make room for others. These are just rules of basic courtesy. It blows my mind how many commuters ignore them.

I will give commuters one thing, though: They don’t do very many gross things. I’m more likely to see gross things on the weekends, and mostly on trains rather than buses.

Dear transit rider who spread chapstick on the train pole: Seriously? WHY?! I had it on both hands before I realized what it was, and then it was on my coat, my bag, and God knows where else. It was really disgusting. Don’t ever do that again.

Dear transit rider who just opened a package containing a giant pickle along with a pool of pickle juice: If you must eat on the train (which is against CTA regulations and subject to a fine), can you pick something other than a giant pickle? The train car is going to smell like pickle mixed with all the other fun smells of the train. Oh good. Now you just handed it to your 8-year-old kid. AND THEN GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO POUR THE PICKLE JUICE OUT ON THE FLOOR. That’s just irresponsible.

Gross.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, let me also point out that public transit is also the place I’ve seen and heard more random acts of kindness than anywhere else.

I saw man who asked the woman who practically fainted into her seat whether she needed help when everyone else walked right on by.

I saw a bus driver walk a blind woman across the street and down the block to her destination.

I’ve seen dozens of people give up their seats for pregnant women, elderly people, and small children. I’ve found that the people who stand up are often the ones who seem most deserving of a seat.

The one I’ll never forget is the woman who tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a tissue on a day I was crying. I don’t recall now what had upset me that day, but I thought I was in control when I got on the bus. Then, I just wasn’t in control any more. I was trying to subtly wipe away silent tears and hating that I was in a public place. Then a stranger offered me a tissue without a word, and everything was a little bit better.

No one would have seen me cry if I had been in my own car. But no one would have handed me a tissue, either.

Rude, gross, kind. It all balances out in the end.  

October

12 Books

I read The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells by Andrew Sean Greer.  It was on a list of books recommended for those who like the Outlander series. While it was no Outlander, I did enjoy it. Rather than traveling through time, the main character travels through parallel universes where she was born in different time periods. It’s worth a read if you like that sort of thing.

12 Recipes

To use the apples I got on this year’s trip to the apple orchard, I made caramel apple pork chops.  I give them a 7. They were easy and tasty, but did not blow me away.

12 Blog Posts

Click here to read about the mystery of the duck pajamas.

12 Ways to Meet People and 12 Fun Events in Chicagoland

This month I went to two events that both kind of fit in both of these categories. The first one was a group walk through the north side of Chicago. There is a meetup group that does several group walks per week, both in the city and in the surrounding suburbs, forest preserves, and trails. The pace was quite brisk, and I was sore afterward. While I enjoyed it, I likely won’t go back to many more, mostly because they are more about exercise than socializing.

The second one was a pumpkin carving party at a local community workshop. They have lots of tools available for use, like drills, ban saws, sanders, and lots of other things you can’t really have in a 1-bedroom apartment. I went to the pumpkin carving just to check out the space and the people there. I had a lot of fun carving my Harry Potter pumpkin.

12 Small Steps Forward in my Career

I gave a talk at the Illinois Council of Teachers of Mathematics conference. It was a repeat of the talk I gave in Toronto, but for a much larger audience. It went ok, but not great. I should have put a bit more time into thinking about how to adapt it for a different style of presentation. I rushed it and was done very early. In retrospect, I wish I had been more thoughtful in my commentary about the problems I demonstrated. Oh well. Live and learn.

12 Crafts and Creations

A few days ago was my goddaughter’s birthday, so I finally get to post pictures of the alphabet blocks I made for her! Each one has the upper and lowercase letter and four pictures of things that start with that letter. I had such fun making these. Here are some of my favorites.

12 Pretty Things for My Apartment

I bought these pretty wall decals that are now above my bed and above the towel bar in my bathroom.

12 Things that Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance

I tried another set of acrylic nails, this time with accent designs on one finger on each hand. I got tons of compliments on these!

12 Grown-Up Things

After missing an Idina Menzel concert a couple of months ago because I forgot about it, I finally broke down and started using a personal calendar. It’ll take me a while to get used to adding things and checking it, but I do think this is a grown-up thing that needed to happen.

The duck pajamas

When I was in middle and high school, I wasn’t particularly interested in clothes. I mostly wore t-shirts and jeans, and the t-shirts weren’t even store-bought. They were free ones I got from various events and groups I was involved in. Clothes just weren’t my thing, and neither was shopping. I am sure I had many annoying habits, but asking my parents to continually buy me new clothes was not one of them.

Then one day when we were in the mall, I saw a pair of pajamas. They were light blue, with drawstring pants and a tank top, and they were covered with pictures of rubber ducks. I don’t know why, but I really, really wanted them.

My mom was reluctant to buy them for me. They were expensive, in the realm of pajamas, and I did not have a particular need for another pair of pajamas. So Mom said no.

Subsequent conversations went something like this:

--I would still like those duck pajamas, please.

--No, Katie. You cannot have those duck pajamas.

--Please, Mom? Please can I have the duck pajamas?

--No. No duck pajamas.

--Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

--No.

--Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

--Why do you want them so badly?

--I just do! Please can I have them? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—

--Ok, ok, fine! Just stop making that noise.

Due to my finely tuned persuasive abilities, I wore her down and she bought me the pajamas. She thought I’d wear them for a couple months, maybe a year, and then forget about them.

Ten years later, I was living in Chicago when my mother came to visit me. “Remember how badly I wanted those duck pajamas?” I asked her. She nodded. “Well, I still wear them,” I said, pulling them out of the drawer.

Another ten years later, and I still have the pajamas. I’m wearing them right now. They’ve moved with me through 10 different addresses over the course of 20 years. I’m quite sure they are the oldest piece of clothing I own.

This makes absolutely no sense. I did not often get my heart set on any particular thing I wanted when I was young. I have no particular affinity for rubber ducks. I never had one when I was little. Ernie was not my favorite Sesame Street character. (Can Grover get some love, people?) Also, pajamas are generally not made to hold up for 20 years.  And I only have a few random memories of wearing them. No strong sentimental attachments.

What’s up with these duck pajamas?

While I don’t necessarily think there is some deep-seated psychological explanation for everything, the fact that today is Halloween did get me thinking about it.

When I was in elementary school, my family passed down Halloween costumes. My sister would wear one, and the next year my cousin Kim would wear it, and then the next year I would wear it. This never bothered me. I don’t think it ever occurred to me that other kids picked their costumes each year. I just wore the costumes in order: the ghost, then the princess dress, then the gypsy, then… ok, I don’t remember any more, but there were at least six of them. Even later on, when it did become clearer to me that most kids picked their costumes each year, I was grateful to not have to make those choices. Too much pressure!

When Kim called one year to ask if I wanted to be a pair of dice for Halloween that year, I said sure. When a friend called to ask if I wanted to go as Riddler and Two-Face one year, I said sure. Happily skipping any choice-making was par for the course for me then. I didn’t like uncertainty. This is probably why I didn’t ask for a lot of stuff when I was a kid. That would mean picking something.

Then one day I saw the duck pajamas, and it just so happened that was the day it clicked for me. People pick out things they like, and sometimes they just get them because they like them. I like these pajamas. Maybe I could be ok with just having those pajamas and not having all the other pajamas. Maybe I could choose them. People do that.

So I begged for the pajamas, and I kept them for 20 years. Just because I like them. That’s the whole story.

It didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time. It still doesn’t, really. It’s kind of a lame story. But looking back at it now, through the lens of all I’ve learned about myself and my issues with anxiety, it does make a little more sense. There have been several episodes in my life when I’ve said to myself, “This is a thing that people do, and I can do this too.” Each episode has been a little breakthrough in understanding that not everything is as challenging as it seems.

So thanks, Mom, for the duck pajamas. I hope I wasn’t too obnoxious as I begged for them. I think maybe I was just startled to discover that I had my own opinions.

September

12 Books

It was another two-book month. First I read Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver. It’s the story of a woman who adopted a young, abandoned Cherokee girl and later finds out that the adoption was illegal. Then I read The Silent Sister by Diane Chamberlain, which is about a woman who discovers that her sister’s suicide was faked. I give both books a 6 out of 10. I was interested enough to finish them, but generally not impressed.

12 Recipes

I tried two new slow cooker recipes this month: chicken tikka masala and chicken and wild rice soup. I loved both. I recommend both recipes.

12 Blog Posts

Click here to read about how I’m learning to be a godmother.

12 Ways to Meet People

Early in the month I went to a happy hour for the Chicago chapter of the Global Expeditions Travel Club. They organize a dozen or so trips each year to places around the world. They trips are designed with solo travelers in mind. They do roommate matching and whatnot and encourage people to not be afraid to come without knowing anyone else. The Chicago chapter has a happy hour each month to give people a chance to meet other travelers and share stories. I had a great time and look forward to going back again.

12 Small Steps Forward in my Career

It’s been a frustrating month, professionally speaking, but not without its high points. In particular, earlier this month, a semi-famous person in the math ed world sent me a note saying he had looked at one of my projects. He was impressed and wanted to collaborate in the future. I’ve been corresponding with him a bit and I remain optimistic for a future partnership.

12 Fun Events in Chicagoland

I did three fun things this month! First, I went to Midnight Circus in the Park, which is a fundraiser for the city parks. The acts were very impressive!

 

Next, I went to a cabaret performance at a small piano bar on the north side. It was a really cute venue. The performer was a friend of a friend, so I didn’t have any strong connection to her, but I did like getting out and supporting a local performer.

Lastly, I went with my goddaughter and her family to AllSeasons Orchard. They had lots of fun kids activities and a very pretty orchard for apple picking. We had a great time.

 12 Crafts and Creations

My hardworking mother is retiring on October 1, so I made a gift for her. It’s a retirement clock! No matter what time it is, it’s time for something fun!

 

12 Pretty Things for My Apartment

I completed my travel wall by ordering this acrylic of Hogwarts castle to hang above my scrapbook from Harry Potter World.

 

12 Things that Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance

One of the things I hate the most about my appearance is the dark circles that are always under my eyes. It does not matter how much rest I get or what kind of concealer I use. The dark purple smudges are always there. So, I looked up home remedies and tried a few. No effect, but I’m giving myself points for trying.

12 Grown-Up Things

I cleaned out and reorganized the shelves in my closet, which included purging about 70% of my notes and articles from grad school. Instead of 8 binders gathering dust in my closet, I now have 3 binders accessible on my desk at work.