It’s common for people to talk about different chapters of
their lives. Personally, I’ve always thought of my life more as a set of short
stories. The sections of my life that most people would call chapters – high
school, undergrad, the year I spent at my first job, graduate school – have
always felt disconnected from each other. The ways I spent my time, the people
I hung out with, the things I was trying to accomplish were all so different.
This is true of many people, I suppose, but my beginnings and endings have
always felt particularly sharp and well defined.
Over the years I’ve come to realize that this isn’t just a
result of my circumstances. It’s a choice that I make. Not a conscious choice,
maybe, but a choice nonetheless. I’ve always been eager to experience new
things, and the only way to do that is to let go of some of the old. In that
sense, clean transitions are a positive thing. But letting go isn’t easy,
especially for a sentimentalist like me. Consequently, I’ll often start
dreading an ending far, far before it comes. During my senior year of high
school, I spent my whole last semester in a state of mortal terror at the
thought of graduating and moving on. At the end of my years as an
undergraduate, I cried nearly every day as I thought about moving away from my
friends. “We’ll still be in touch, Katie,” one of those friends said to me one
day. “Lots of things will be different, but some things won’t change.”
“You don’t understand,” I said. “I have always cut myself
off from my past.”
And that’s true. I have gotten better at
letting some familiar threads run through different stages of my life. For
example, I’m still in consistent touch with a few of my friends that were
regular characters in my life’s short stories that took place a decade
ago. But I still find a kind of
satisfaction in ending one story and starting a new one. It’s how I measure
progress.
My current story is a relatively tame one. I’m living
in an apartment that’s not falling apart but not super nice, either. I’m doing
work that I enjoy, but not exactly making the big bucks. I’m having fun with
friends and taking care of my cat and steadily paying off my student loans.
It’s a comfortable story, and for quite some time, I was happily living it. But one day in the
middle of 2014 I realized that I’d been stuck in the same story for over 5
years, and I had absolutely no idea how to end it and start a new one. I was
watching friends get married, have kids, land new and better jobs, buy houses,
and all sorts of other things that signify moving into new chapters and
stories. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than for this particular short story to
be over. I wanted this part of my life to fade into my past. I wanted a new
beginning. For perhaps the first time ever, I was not at all dreading the
ending. I wanted this story to end. But I felt powerless to make it happen.
“I can’t just get married,” I thought. “I have to meet a guy
first." And despite my best efforts to do that, I still hadn’t. In the end
that’s out of my control. I also couldn’t just have a kid on my own (not
responsibly, anyway), and I couldn’t afford to buy a house or a condo. I could
look for a different job, I supposed, but I knew I was unlikely to find one
better suited to me than the one I already had. It wasn’t a new job that I wanted.
I wanted to move forward in my current job. A new job wouldn’t start a new
story, and in the end neither would something as drastic as picking up and
moving to a new city. I’d just be repeating the same story of
young-woman-tried-to-establish-herself. I couldn’t see a way to do any of the
things that that felt they’d be a true new beginning – a way to end this
endless, boring story that this part of my life had become.
I needed to be more
assertive, or more personable, or smarter, or a quicker thinker, or more
interested in the kinds of things most people are interested in. But I couldn’t change who I
was. It seemed like I was in a story that would last the rest of my life and
there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
I didn’t want to run any more. I didn't want to read any more. I didn’t want to eat the same
foods any more. I didn’t want to do any of the things that had become huge
parts of my routine. Mostly I wanted to sit on my couch and stare at the TV
(which may or may not have been on). Getting out of bed and going to work got
harder and harder until one day I realized I had to do something.
I got help. Maybe one day I will have the courage to write
about this part, but for now suffice it to say that I’m grateful to have had
family, friends, and doctors who helped me help myself. Over the course of a
few months, I gradually dug myself out of the deep pit of depression (yes, I
said it, depression) I was in.
Things are not all perfect now. I want to make that clear. I
am back to thinking clearly, and to enjoying most of my work, and to laughing,
and to seeing joy in day-to-day life.
But I’m still struggling with some of the same issues that made my
depression spiral out of control. I still want this story to end and a new one
to begin, and I don’t see a clear path to do that. I’m not good at professional
networking or meeting new people, and those are the things I need to do to be
able to move forward.
Still, one benefit of spending a lot of time alone in the
last six months is that I’ve come to understand myself a bit better. I know the
things I really enjoy doing and the things that I struggle with the most. I
understand now that when I stick to the things I like and am comfortable with,
I feel guilty for not trying harder to change my life. When I focus too
narrowly on the things that are hard for me, I am generally unhappy and feel
like a failure for not making any progress.
So how do I use this new-found understanding to make 2015 a
better year than 2014? Early in the year it occurred to me that perhaps a
balance between the easy and the difficult might be the answer. I’d be able to
spend a lot of my time doing the things I love, but also make sure to push
myself to chip away at the work I need to do if I ever want to move on to a new
story.
In that spirit, I came up with a project for 2015 that I
call 12 Months of Awesome. I chose
10 categories that are spread out over a spectrum with fun things to make me
happy at one end and hard things to help me grow at the other. My goal is to do
one thing in each of these 10 categories each month of 2015. At the end of the
year, I hope to point to 120 small, but significant, accomplishments that make
me feel good about the person I am and the story I’m living, whether that is
the same story I’m in right now or I’ve managed to start a new one.
It’s a bit ambitious and scary, but I’m committed to really
trying.
Without further ado, here are the 12 categories:
Read 12 Books
I used to always be reading something. But as life got more
overwhelming, this fell off my priority list, and I hate that. I want to start
reading again, so one of my goals is to read a book each month.
Write 12 Blog Posts
I first started writing in an online journal during my time
in Sweden, and there have been a few periods in my life since that I’ve written in a blog. I really like to write, but it takes time and effort that I
haven’t bothered to put in for a long time. I want to write once a month this
year. (I’m counting this essay as January’s post. Kind of meta, hey?)
Try 12 New Recipes
I hate cooking. There are hundreds of other ways I’d rather
spend my time. But on the other hand, I’m rather self conscious about the fact
that I don’t know how to make anything fancier than pasta or stir fry. So, this
year I’m going to attempt one new recipe a month in hopes that as my knowledge
and skills build, I gain some sense of appreciation for cooking, and maybe even
feel comfortable inviting friends over for dinner some time.
Go to 12 Events Where
I Might Meet New People
I’m not very good at making new friends, striking up
conversations with strangers, making business contacts, or anything of that
sort. Idle conversation is awkward for me. But, the only way I’ll ever get
better is if I give myself chances to practice. So, I’m committed to going to
twelve events where I have the chance to talk to new people. I’m hoping they
will be a variety of things, from professional talks to social mixers.
Take 12 Small Steps
Forward in My Career
I love my work. I truly do. But most of the steps forward I
have taken, career-wise, have mostly been the result of luck and/or building a
reputation for working hard. I didn’t necessarily push forward on my own. I
just took opportunities when they were offered to me. That was enough for a
long time, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can that way. It’s time to start
creating some of my own opportunities. I’m going to do one small thing a month
that can help me do that.
Do 12 Things that
Real Grown-Ups Do
The title of the category is a bit tongue-in-cheek. But this
feeling of being stuck in a boring story is related to the feeling that I have
yet to really become an adult. Grown-ups have houses, and families, and lots of
other things that I don’t have. I’m still in a just-out-of-college place in
many ways. However, I believe I can come up with 12 things that I can do to
make me feel like I really am 32 years old and an adult. That’s what this
category is about.
Do 12 Things that
Help Me Feel Good about My Appearance
I don’t think I’m unattractive. Truly, I don’t. I actually
think I’m pretty well put together most of the time. However, I do consider
myself a wallflower in most situations. No one seems to notice me. Doing things
that make me feel just a little bit more confident and appealing might help me
to meet people and assert myself as a valued team member at work.
Attend 12 Fun Events
in Chicagoland
As before mentioned, I love experiencing new things. A ton
of fun things go on around Chicago that I see advertised and have always wanted
to do. Chocolate tours, murder mystery shows, puzzle hunts – all sorts of
things. Getting people together to do such things takes work, though, so this
year I’m committing to making one of these things happen once a month.
Finish 12 Craft
Projects
One thing I’ve learned about myself lately is that I love to
create things. I find it so satisfying to make something that wasn’t there
before, especially if the thing is useful or pretty (or both!). Yarn crafts,
woodworking, mosaics, you name it. I love them all. This year I’m going to make
at least one thing a month.
Add 12 Pretty Things
to My Apartment
Bright colors make me smile. So I’m treating myself to
something new, bright, and pretty to put in my apartment each month, just to
keep my spirits up.
So, that’s my 2015 project. I can’t wait to see where it
takes me. Look for updates at the end of each month!
